An Open Letter–Apology to Conservative Evangelicals Upset About Worldvision

It’s come to my attention this week (read, my Facebook feed exploded) that, just in case there was any shadow of a doubt cast by Fred finally stepping offstage, the Evangelical right still find the gays–to use the technical, theological term– “eww, gross–don’t-let-them-work-near-us-feeding-poor-children-or-their-cooties-will-send-us-straight(s)-to-hell!”

So, with that clarified, I realized that I haven’t fulfilled my end of the social contract.

And, as is the fashionable thing to do, I was left with no choice but to apologize, in an open letter, to no one in particular, who wouldn’t be reading my blog anyway. I’m pretty sure that’s standard interpretation for Matthew 18 reconciliation protocol these days.


Here goes:

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I am sorry. I have let you down. You have responded with swift fury and fervor by canceling your support of child sponsorships, following the way of Jesus, who made certain the fish and the loaves came from a heterosexual boy’s lunch sack before feeding the hungry multitudes. And how have I responded? I haven’t even been on a decent gay date lately.

While Worldvision has said that it would be okay with employing legally married partnered LGBTQ persons rapidly back pedaling on employing legally married LGBTQ persons, without making any statement whatsoever about its theological judgement of such relationships, I’ve moved no closer to my own gay marriage that might justify your moral outrage. I realize that I have let you down.

Unfortunately, my celebrity husband, Rufus Wainwright, is already taken, and I’ve been a bit busy this week grading papers and getting my garden planted (to be sure, I am planning to donate some veggies to the food bank–but don’t worry, I’ll let you know which one so you can withdraw your support of my gay Broccoli).

I really want to do my part to support your outrage, but it’s a tough dating scene out there for a seminary trained Christian looking to get gay married AND gainfully employed at a non-profit, doing good as a means of destroying Christendom.

Again, I’m sorry. I’ve let you down, and I know better. That homosexual lifestyle of mine isn’t going to destroy society all on its own–I’ve got to work it! I’ll try harder next week.

In the mean time, you keep fighting the good fight. I wouldn’t want to see you slow down enough to wonder why you can’t seem to enjoy that the God of the universe doesn’t want to smite humanity.

Also, just so you know, I’ve heard that between 3 and 10% of the kids sponsored, even through straight-family-friendly child sponsorships are probably gay as well, so watch yourselves, even if you switch teams, you still might be sponsoring a little lesbian, and Jesus might not forgive you for that.